I've made a previous post about my postpartum depression, but I thought I'd give a little bit more insight into because it has affected my life greatly recently. I have yet to have the courage to speak about this with friends and family, but I need to start trying to not be ashamed. I was hospitalized for my depression. After meeting with my doctor at my 6 week checkup, they decided that instead of just sending me to become admitted into the mental health-affective disorders unit they would send me to get evaluated first to determine what would be best for me. Once I got the hospital to be evaluated I was really nervous and wanted to go home. They came in and talked to me and then said that I should stay, I was hoping that I would be able to just head in, get switched from my medication, make a therapy or psychiatrist appointment and head home. Unfortunately, that wasn't how things went. I ended up saying I wanted to go home instead of staying, in order to do that I had to talk with a Police Officer. I figured they would let me go home because I would have both my fiance and my Mom with me all weekend. When the officer came in he basically told me I needed to choose to stay or I would be taken into protective custody and held at the trauma center until at least Tuesday. (This occurred Friday morning.) I chose to stay at the hospital with hope that I would be released the following morning.
Once I got assigned to a room, I felt even worse than when I had arrived there. I couldn't believe that I was in the mental health unit at the hospital, I felt like I shouldn't be there. I honestly felt like a failure. It was really difficult to deal with, luckily my Mom, Fiance, and daughter were there to help me. For the first night I ended up sitting in my room with my family until they were forced to leave at 9:00. I cried when Lily left. I couldn't believe that this was the first night I was going to have to spend away from her. I felt like such a terrible mother. Eventually I ran out of tears and ended up staying up until 2 reading and watching tv. Overall, I slept pretty well, although I would've preferred to be at home with Lily even if it meant getting woken up fairly often.
I started Saturday off by meeting with a social worker and then with the doctor. They changed my medication and told me I needed to begin therapy. The day drug on, we had group therapy (which seemed like a waste of my time). It consisted of getting worksheets of Sudoku, playing a DVD game of Family Feud, and telling everyone why were there. I felt like I could have been sent home, I was there to be monitored but I would have people with me at home. I was really disappointed to learn that I would have to stay another night away from Lily. Sunday began the same way, more social workers, and more doctors. The doctor switched my medication again after an adverse reaction. He wanted me to stay yet another night, luckily he finally agreed to letting me go home that evening if I reacted well to the new medication and made appointments for when I left the hospital. I reacted fine, and was home by 5.
The hospital may have been for the best. I was able to step away and pull myself together. I realized I do have a lot to work through, and I'm not myself most of the time. I am able to think back to when I was pregnant and remember how happy I was, that is my goal. I hated being away from Lily, but am grateful for the time I had to focus on myself for the first time in 6 weeks. I have to take each day slowly and remember my goals. I have to constantly remind myself that the hospital stay and the medication don't make me a bad person, or a bad mother. Each day is a struggle.
What has helped me make it through these first 6 weeks is having a distraction. Going to Omaha to see my Mom has been a huge help in many ways. It is my escape from reality. When I'm there I'm not alone, I have help, I have someone to talk to and most importantly I feel safe and I have someone who understands my struggles. Finally coming to terms with the fact that I have PPD has been really hard. I never realized how bad I had become until I was able to take a moment to think and really just get lost in my thoughts.
This time with Liliana should be wonderful, I do love so much but most of the time i'm just not happy. I would be fine with Lily, but with everyone else I wasn't very patient, or very nice. PPD is real, and is serious. I'm so glad I was able to get some help so I can enjoy this time with Lily.
Lily is a little over 2 months old now! It's so crazy how fast time goes- especially between trying to take care of Lily, working, and being a full-time student. I feel like i'm always on the move! I'm looking forward to having a more relaxing summer of working part time, and taking care of Lily. It's so great now that she's "fun". She giggles, and smiles and is just such a happy baby.
I can't believe how much she's changed in the last 2 months, and how much I have changed too. My main focus is now Lily. Before her everything I did was to benefit myself in some way or another. Now, that completely different- Literally every single thing that I do, I do for her. I've never been more motivated to succeed than I am now. My priorities are so much different now too. Family is so, so important to me. I'm closer than ever to both my Mom, and my fiance's family. I think that the biggest change that i've seen in myself is my patience. I've NEVER been a patient person! Now, with Liliana I am so patient. I'm perfectly fine with staying up all night with her while she screams because of a tummy ache, or cuddling with her because she's cold or lonely when I have a list of a billion things to get done. Although I do get annoyed (especially when I'm running on very little sleep!!) everything becomes perfectly fine the moment that she smiles. Every time she smiles it makes every single thing just fine.
Max is always trying to protect her! To help make sure that he had a good experience with her we did try to prepare. As my pregnancy progressed we slowly started giving him less attention. We did that so the baby wouldn't cause him to lose attention. We also set up the nursery really early so he would have a chance to get used to everything. We tried to change everything so that it would be how it was when the baby arrived. Once I had her we wrapped her up in blankets that either Terence or my Mom would take back to Max so he would get used to her smell. Luckily, everything we did must have worked because they already have such a great bond, I can't wait to see how it changes as Lily gets older!
