My Story With PPD

I've made a previous post about my postpartum depression, but I thought I'd give a little bit more insight into because it has affected my life greatly recently. I have yet to have the courage to speak about this with friends and family, but I need to start trying to not be ashamed.  I was hospitalized for my depression. After meeting with my doctor at my 6 week checkup, they decided that instead of just sending me to become admitted into the mental health-affective disorders unit they would send me to get evaluated first to determine what would be best for me. Once I got the hospital to be evaluated I was really nervous and wanted to go home. They came in and talked to me and then said that I should stay, I was hoping that I would be able to just head in, get switched from my medication, make a therapy or psychiatrist appointment and head home. Unfortunately, that wasn't how things went. I ended up saying I wanted to go home instead of staying, in order to do that I had to talk with a Police Officer. I figured they would let me go home because I would have both my fiance and my Mom with me all weekend. When the officer came in he basically told me I needed to choose to stay or I would be taken into protective custody and held at the trauma center until at least Tuesday. (This occurred Friday morning.) I chose to stay at the hospital with hope that I would be released the following morning.
Once I got assigned to a room, I felt even worse than when I had arrived there. I couldn't believe that I was in the mental health unit at the hospital, I felt like I shouldn't be there. I honestly felt like a failure. It was really difficult to deal with, luckily my Mom, Fiance, and daughter were there to help me. For the first night I ended up sitting in my room with my family until they were forced to leave at 9:00. I cried when Lily left. I couldn't believe that this was the first night I was going to have to spend away from her. I felt like such a terrible mother. Eventually I ran out of tears and ended up staying up until 2 reading and watching tv. Overall, I slept pretty well, although I would've preferred to be at home with Lily even if it meant getting woken up fairly often.
I started Saturday off by meeting with a social worker and then with the doctor. They changed my medication and told me I needed to begin therapy. The day drug on, we had group therapy (which seemed like a waste of my time). It consisted of getting worksheets of Sudoku, playing a DVD game of Family Feud, and telling everyone why were there. I felt like I could have been sent home, I was there to be monitored but I would have people with me at home. I was really disappointed to learn that I would have to stay another night away from Lily. Sunday began the same way, more social workers, and more doctors. The doctor switched my medication again after an adverse reaction. He wanted me to stay yet another night, luckily he finally agreed to letting me go home that evening if I reacted well to the new medication and made appointments for when I left the hospital.  I reacted fine, and was home by 5.

The hospital may have been for the best. I was able to step away and pull myself together. I realized I do have a lot to work through, and I'm not myself most of the time. I am able to think back to when I was pregnant and remember how happy I was, that is my goal. I hated being away from Lily, but am grateful for the time I had to focus on myself for the first time in 6 weeks. I have to take each day slowly and remember my goals. I have to constantly remind myself that the hospital stay and the medication don't make me a bad person, or a bad mother. Each day is a struggle.

What has helped me make it through these first 6 weeks is having a distraction. Going to Omaha to see my Mom has been a huge help in many ways. It is my escape from reality. When I'm there I'm not alone, I have help, I have someone to talk to and most importantly I feel safe and I have someone who understands my struggles. Finally coming to terms with the fact that I have PPD has been really hard. I never realized how bad I had become until I was able to take a moment to think and really just get lost in my thoughts.

This time with Liliana should be wonderful, I do love so much but most of the time i'm just not happy. I would be fine with Lily, but with everyone else I wasn't very patient, or very nice. PPD is real, and is serious. I'm so glad I was able to get some help so I can enjoy this time with Lily.

Everyday Life

Lily and I spend nearly all day everyday together. Sometimes it does get a bit overwhelming, especially since i'm still taking a full class load and am about to return to work (luckily only part time!). I'm so glad that the weather is improving so that we will have a chance to get out of the house more. Most days I get up with Lily about 8 or 9 in the morning, change and feed her. She'll fall into a milk coma pretty quickly. Normally once she falls asleep I will too, unless I have a long list of things to do.  She'll normally only sleep another 2 or 3 hours, by 11 we are ready to start our day. We start off by getting Lily another bottle and a clean diaper. Then is one of my favorite parts of the day, picking out her clothes! She has a wardrobe that you would not believe, she has a walk-in closet that isn't big enough. I can't hang all her clothes up, luckily they range from 3 months to 18 months. I normally try to get at least a little bit of homework done before Terence gets home from work or class. Once he gets home we eat lunch and maybe watch some tv. He normally will be home for a little over an hour before he has to leave again. Once he leaves Lily and I try to get out of the house, we love to take walks outside, or go shopping at Target or the mall. While we are out she'll normally have a bottle and get a new diaper before she takes another nap. Once we get home we try to do some tummy time, she loves it most of the time. She would much rather lie on her stomach on top of me than on her tummy time mat. I think I love it just as much as she does. Lily is such a cuddly baby! After tummy time she is ready to eat again. Once she eats we try to have her take a shower (she HATES baths!) and then put her in a sleeper and cuddle with either me or Terence. She'll be cuddly until she gets hungry, she'll get one last bottle and fall asleep for the night. Once she's asleep she'll sleep between 4-8 hours, most of the time it's about 5 or 6 hours. I love when it works out that she'll get up a little before we head to bed so we really only have to get up once overnight with her.

Leaving Lily

Leaving Lily for the first time was so nerve racking! I have left her briefly with her Dad, Terence but never with anyone else! We spend all day together and she is my little princess. We had her name picked out pretty soon after we found out I was pregnant. Since she's my little Lily, I had decided I would get a Calla Lily tattoo. My Mother and I have become really close recently, and she is in love with Lily as much as I am, so we decided to get matching Lily tattoos.
Here they are! Just Kidding.

All day I was so nervous about leaving her!!I dropped Lily off at one of her Grandma's houses and reluctantly left. I was so nervous and anxious! I wanted to go back in and just stay with her. Once we got to the tattoo parlor I became more nervous about the tattoo than about missing Lily. Once mine was done I went right back to worrying about her! I had to force myself to stay off my phone otherwise I would have ended up calling to check in on her way to often! Luckily, when things were done we made a quick trip to the store then I was finally able to get her back!

Once we walked in I had to resist the urge to snatch her up and cuddle with her. I tried to act like a normal sane Mother and just buckle her in and head back to my Mom's. I succeed! Once I got to my Mom's though I took her out of her carseat and snuggled with her. I hated leaving her! I did love having a chance to be baby free for a little bit though. I have to leave her with her other Grandma this weekend while we go to dinner with some friends. Being away from her is so hard, but it's so nice to have a break sometimes.

What It's Really Like Being A Mommy

Becoming A Mother has been the best experience of my life hands down.  I love Liliana more than anything else in the World. Everyday isn't all about rainbows and sunshine though. If anyone ever told you that becoming a Mother would be easy, then they lied. Every struggle is completely worth it though.

First of all, expect to get peed on- whether you have a boy or girl it WILL happen. In fact, with Lily it has happened way more times than I'd like to admit. Luckily, it wasn't me who ended up getting pooped on (it was her Father). Bodily fluids used to disgust me... then I had Lily and they became a part of life.

Becoming a Mother also means that people will leave your life. I had a few people in my life that were pretty close friends, once Lily was born they came by to see her and that was the last time I saw them. A couple of them invited us out, but when you have a newborn you can't really have a social life. Luckily, there are a few people who stick around and are perfectly fine to have game nights or movie nights in, just something where Lily can be sleeping while we are still able to be social. Of course it hurts when people leave your life, but then you realize that if they don't want to deal with your child, then you don't really want to deal with them. I think that this happens way more to younger parents. I think it was worse with me since I was the first of my college friends to have a baby. I know that as we begin to graduate and start our lives I'll gain tons of new Mommy friends and things will seem a lot better.

When you have a baby make sure you have extra clothes ALWAYS. I try to keep an outfit in my purse or diaper bag for Lily and at least a shirt in the car for myself. Babies are pretty gross when you think about it, and often times they will end up ruining their own clothes as well as yours. I know I would hate to have finish whatever I was doing covered in spit up (or worse!).

Expect to feel guilt whenever you make a mistake. I've almost lost track of her a few times while shopping with my Mom. (She had her each time!) After each time I felt awful that I almost lost her or briefly forgot about her. I accidentally
cut her with my fingernail and I was more upset about it than her. You have to remember that you are only human and things will happen. Don't be too hard on yourself!

Being a Mommy is a great experience, a hard, difficult experience, but I wouldn't want it any other way.

Relationships When You Have A Baby

Maintaining your relationship with your significant other when you become a new parent is really hard, nothing has ever taken more of a poll on my relationship than the birth of my daughter. I wouldn't trade her for anything in the world, but I will say that things were so much easier before she made her arrival. I don't know if it's the fact that you get SOO much less sleep when you become a parent, or that your priorities change. It's probably a combination of both. 

There are few ways that I'm trying to maintain a healthy, positive relationship with my fiance. I think one of the most important things that we are doing is taking turns. When he doesn't have to work early, he takes Lily overnight and I'm able to get a great nights sleep. When he does work the next morning I take her overnight, which luckily only consists of her waking up one or two times. Taking turns is so important so we don't feel like one of us is doing all of the work. 

Another thing that we do is set aside a little time to focus on our relationship. We try to do something together each and every day. Most days it's just watching a movie or more a Netflix series that we managed to get addicted to ( I highly recommend "Arrow"). By taking time to do something while Lily is sleeping it gives us a chance to interact like we did before and remember why we fell in love in the first place. 

Lastly, we remember that the other has needs that we don't. For example, he likes to be social. We try to make sure that he has the chance to go out with friends every so often. Sometimes we'll try to do something as a group, other times he just enjoys a night out by himself. He remembers how important my Mother has become to me throughout the last few months so he doesn't get mad when I head to Omaha to see her. We both need things that the other doesn't, remembering that is so so important. Without being understanding to what the other wants and needs we would have a lot more problems. 

Remember that things aren't just changing for you, but for your significant other. Having a baby is a great, but difficult experience for everyone involved but there are things that make it easier or harder. 

What Lily Loves

Children can be so difficult, and all you want to do is comfort them. I find it so amazing that you learn so much about your child in such a short amount of time. By the time we left the hospital, 48 hours after her birth it was like I had known her for forever. Like I stated in a previous post I struggled with severe postpartum depression. That prevented me from forming a bond with her in her first weeks. Luckily, things are starting to look for me and Lily has become the most important thing in my life.

Even though Lily is only a month old, she already has favorite things.
She has her favorite blanket, and favorite pacifier. Luckily for me, I'm her favorite person. She has her favorite position to lie, she loves to lie on top of me with her head against my chest listening to my heartbeat. Her favorite place to sleep is in her carseat or swing. She loves tummy time! She is such a strong little baby already, she'll hold her up and try to roll over. She can roll over now only because her big head makes her fall into it!

I've had this little girl in my life for less than a month, already I know so much about her. I can only imagine what I would know about her if I was able to be a better mother to her in her first few weeks of life. I'm trying not to take any of this time for granted. I can't believe how fast they grow. Don't take a single day for granted, I wish I could have been there for her. If there was anything I could do to gain back those weeks, I would do it in a heartbeat. Right now I'm loving getting to know her, and am making sure that she has all her favorite things.

Worrying. . .It Comes With The Territory

Ever since that day that Lily was born I've worried more than I ever have before. I worry about all kinds of things that involve her. I think about if she's too hot or cold or if she's eating enough. By breastfeeding there are so many more worries. What to do if she gets hungry in public (I'm fine with Mothers that are able to breastfeed in public, but I could never do it!) . If i'm producing enough milk for her. The list goes on and on!

I'd never thought I'd care so much about someones poop! After a particularly disgusting diaper the second night, we ended up taking her the Doctor because we were so confused and surprised. Turns out she's just a typical baby. (Note to you all you future parents- projectile pooping happens, and apparently is normal. Be forewarned!!)

Once you have a baby worrying happens. . . . a lot. From their weight and height, to how they eat and sleep, if they are feeling too hot or too cold, the list goes on and on. Embrace the fact that you are doing the best you can. Take each day as it comes and have no shame. Mistakes will be made, but things will be fine. Worrying doesn't help anything (even though you'll forever worry) I  try to just make sure that i'm doing everything I can for Lily. Becoming a parent really does turn you into a worrywart!

Life After Lily

      The transition from being to pregnant, to being a Mother has been very difficult. I've endured more struggles with the transition than I could have ever imagined. The hardest thing has to be able to get out of bed and take care of myself and my daughter. The past four weeks of my life have been the Postpartum depression has been a very serious issue for me-it hit me early, and it hit me hard.

       The first 2 weeks my daughter was I was miserable. I spent all day in bed crying- pausing only to resentfully feed my daughter. After many days filled with tears I visited my Doctor. She put me on anti-depressants, and later upped the dosage after little improvement. Caring for a child when you can't even take care of yourself is such a struggle. Everyday is a still a struggle. Overwhelming sadness, and anger takes over fairly often- and it's so difficult to deal with. Some days are harder than others to make ti through. I'll share the best advice i've received to help deal with this. Set small goals when things get tough- make it through the month, week, day, or even hour. Some days I have just wanted to give up and run away. Most of the time I'm able to try to make it through a few days at a time, but occasionally i'll have to give it my all just to make it through another hour.

      Luckily, my relationship with Lily has improved greatly. I would do anything for her and she has become my entire world. I still have problems feeling guilty about my feelings toward her during the first weeks of her life. I try to greet each day with a positive attitude and always think about Lily- even when things get tough for me, she'll always need me.

       Postpartum depression is a scary thing, it's difficult and overwhelming. The support from my Mother, Fiance, and Doctor have helped me make it this far, and I know that with their continued support I'll eventually be back to my normal self.
   

Taking Care Of Yourself

I've learned that one of the easiest things to do when you have a baby is forget about yourself. It is so easy to do- between trying to sleep, changing diapers, taking care of the house, school, and just taking care of the baby it seems that there really isn't much time for anything else.

       The first thing that I realized when I had my daughter is that I wasn't happy with the choice I made regarding my major. Even though I would be done sooner if I pursued my advertising degree- I wouldn't be happy. Even though our lives will be more difficult for a little bit- in the end I needed to make sure I would be happy. At first I felt guilty that I wouldn't be able to give her everything for the first few years of her life but, in the end I decided that her having a happy family would be more important and beneficial to her that "having everything".  That is the first way that I've learned to take care of myself- my happiness is just is as imporatant as hers. In fact, without my happiness, it would be a lot harder for her to have a happy childhood.

          Sometimes you just have to walk away. Being a parent is so overwhelming- more than I could have ever imagined. The scream-filled nights, the endless diapers, the constant feedings, it's all just so much to deal with. It's so hard to make sure that you find time for yourself, but it's so important. Whether it's going to Target for a little while,  getting a coffee, or getting your nail's done ALWAYS remember to find time for yourself. You have to stay calm, and make sure that the baby doesn't take everything from you. Of course you'll sacrifice things for the baby, and that's how it's supposed to be, but if you completely forget about yourself- there will be zero benefit to you or the baby from it.

          Never be afraid to ask for help. I've already asked so many questions to doctors, nurses, and my Mother. My Mom has been the most hope- I truly don't know what I would do without her. She's has been my lifesaver throughout my pregnancy, labor and delivery, and the first few weeks as home. Everybody needs to have at least one person that they can depend on when you have a baby. Whether they can actually help by watching the baby, or running errands, or even just listening to you when you have worries and concerns. Find someone you can depend on, and utilize them. My Mother has made the hardest time of my life so much easier.

    Remember to take care of yourself, ask for help when you need it, and find time for you. Just because you have a baby doesn't mean that your not important. All of those things have been taught to me in the past weeks. I'm sure i'll continue to learn more everyday as I try to make it through parenthood.